Everyone grieves and recovers after losing a family member in a different way, and it’s never easy. A reader of Bright Side told a tragic tale of his wife’s death from cancer. With two college-bound children and an older stepdaughter, this bereaved husband and father are in a difficult situation and could use some guidance.
This letter is from Nathaniel.
A few months ago, my wife passed away from cancer. After 24 years of marriage, we had two kids. These were the finest years of my life, and I can say that with pride. Our two children are now enrolled in college.
Sarah became my stepdaughter at the age of sixteen. My wife already had a daughter from a previous relationship. Even though we were friendly to one another, we were never able to be close, therefore I didn’t formally adopt her. I was okay with her not trying to be a sister to my children as well.
My wife was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer two years ago. Despite her valiant efforts, the goal was ultimately to make her as comfortable as possible. In order to care for her mother, my stepdaughter moved in with us and has remained ever since.
Sarah doesn’t seem to want to leave my home, even though my wife died away three months ago. She is forty years old, unemployed, single, and a little odd.
I also heard from my kids about Sarah, and I realized that something needed to happen. My late wife seemed to be “taking over” from her. She is attempting to handle all household tasks in addition to dressing like my wife. I don’t need my clothing pressed or three-course dinners since I live alone. I urged her to stop since it unnerved me.
In our lengthy conversation, I also urged her to take care of herself. Days went by with nothing changing. I decided. I requested that she move out and organize her life. Then she blurted out that she wanted to remain with me and take care of her family, just as her mother had done. I informed her that she had to go by the end of the month since I found this to be creepy.
She immediately broke down in tears, accusing me of being callous and preventing her from mourning for her mother in her home. I left the room without saying anything, but I’m conflicted. Since she is my wife’s kid, I want to assist her, but for some reason, her cries don’t seem real. We don’t have a close connection, so having her live with me is strange, and it seems like she’s taking advantage of me.
Greetings, Nathaniel Let’s start by expressing our condolences for your loss. It’s never easy to lose a spouse. We hope that you remember all of your great times with your wife and that time helps you get over your grief.
There is always a tight line to walk when dealing with stepchildren, and it seems like limits are being crossed this time. The following is what you can do.
1. Communicate in a straightforward, emotionless manner.
Any issue can be resolved with open conversation and discussion, and it seems like your stepdaughter needs an intervention. First of all, before you start crying, keep in mind that she is not just an adult, but you are not her adoptive father, thus you are not responsible for her.
Talk to her, ideally in front of family, as you do feel like helping her, which is a positive thing. Are your wife’s parents or siblings present? If so, they might assist you in helping her take charge of her life. It could be time to urge someone who is related to her by blood to step in and help you both reach a mutually agreeable conclusion, especially because she is not particularly close to you or your kids.
Nevertheless, you are not incorrect in asking her to go, and your wife would not have approved of you placing yourself in such a precarious position. Your limits must be respected.
2. Clearly define your limits.
Given that you and your stepdaughter are not close, you are correct to wish to prevent any embarrassing situations, even if it seems harsh. In terms of your wife’s “place,” nobody can take that away from her, and your stepdaughter cannot, in any way, make up for your loss. She must fully understand this.
Nevertheless, a desire to be near her mother—whether it be by living there or dressing like her—or to replace her may indicate unresolved pain. For her to be more equipped to handle the future, you may wish to enroll her in bereavement counseling or therapy.
Establish clear limits if you feel compelled to provide her financial support, a job, or a place to live. It may be a time limit, such as three months of assistance in getting back on her feet, after which she must begin taking care of herself.
3. Don’t be too critical of yourself.
Keep in mind the importance of self-care. She is not alone in her sorrow; your children have also lost their mother, and you have lost a husband. Since you are not legally liable for an adult stepchild, do what makes you feel better in the long run and let go of any guilt.
Additionally, ask your attorneys whether your wife has made any financial arrangements for her. That could also be very helpful to her in living her own life.
Give yourself the time you need to recover, and keep your kids informed and near to you during the process. We hope that this is helpful and that you are able to move your family in the way that you choose.
